Sorting Myself Out

Dark days.

I’ve struggled with depression on and off for years. I started seeing my first therapist almost 20 years ago.So its always been lurking in the background.But when I lost my Mum 8 years ago,it dropped a gear and kicked me hard.Then without really coming out of that darkness,pre and post natal depression whilst having my twin girls took my feet right from under me.I’m feeling really good at the moment, positive and healthy but the darks days still catch me unawares.

On those “dark days” I pretend everythings but once the kids are in bed,I can struggle to even talk or move.It sucks.

To be honest,I’m textbook.Its not rocket science to work out why I am the way I am…..

Traumatic childhood with addiction in the family,saw things children shouldn’t see,blah, blah, blah….. But knowing this, doesn’t stop the darkness creeping up on me and slapping me across the chops in moments that should be happy…..very annoying, especially for a control freak like me.

So I’m on a mission to sort myself out.

My 2018 to do list….

Get fit….healthy body, healthy mind.I’ve been hitting the gym hard since the kids went back to school in the New Year and I’m really feeling the benefits.I feel physically stronger but more importantly for me,emotionally stronger too……The Gym is good for you, who knew???

Feel comfortable in my skin.This is it,its what I’ve got,time to own it bitch! (Watching way too much Ru Pauls Drag Race)

See a therapist regularly.(I’ve been seeing a bad ass chick called Amanda,she’s a hypnotherapist…..I’ll tell you all about it another day)

Take my Spanish to the next level…..I can get by day to day talking Spanish but I’m far,far,far from fluent.

Have holidays…..With and without the kids.

Now,they’re a little older,I can’t wait to enjoy family holidays,but also because they’re older,I feel more comfortable to leave them to have some couple time (Oh tiddles,this is in writing now!! As a couple,Vin (hubby) and I have had 2 nights away from the kids,twice in 5 years and I had a whopping great big stress rash and anxiety the whole time.)

Be more present with my kids…….I’m a techno-hypocryte.I’m strict on them, how much time they have on their iPads, etc and then I’m always scrolling Instagram,almost habit…hands are empty,pick up phone and scroll.

So phone down Mamacita!!

That will do for now, I’ll review in a few months and see how I’m getting on.

What are your guys goals for 2018?